& so I've been comparing my hands with Nicole's, and I see how I've aged, from a wrinkle-less hand back then to a hand starting to show signs of wrinkles now. When I was very young, I thought everything was my size. All my friends were my size, and the toys I played with were for my size. I categorized anyone who was bigger than me as adults. I thought God only created two kinds of people, one would be people of my size, and the other would be people who are big and whom I called adults. I always thought that adults came into this world in the size they were, I never thought that they too were small once. In my eyes then, I was small but I felt big. Seems like as we grow bigger, we start to feel smaller. Anyway now, whenever I see small kids, I wonder if they are thinking the same thoughts as I did back then.
& back to the point about my starting-to-wrinkle hands...yknow the idea of death scares me. When I was young, the thought about it could send me into tears. & even though I now know that death is inevitable, I'm still freaking scared. The thing I'm scared about is, I have no idea where I will be when I'm dead, I don't know if I'm going to be surrounded in darkness forever, I don't know how it's going to feel like, I don't know if I'm ever going get another chance to see this beautiful world again. The whole idea about not being able to picture how the end is going to look and feel like is very scary. I did this logical thinking test last time, and I met with a question which asked whether I was someone who would be concerned about the process of a project or the end product. I think I chose process back then, but now come to think of it, I think would choose the end. Because I'm someone who pictures how the end product would look like first before starting on the process, at least this way I have an idea of where I'm heading and I would be sure that I would get the result I want and feel satisfied, and also make sure that throughout the process I really give my all in order to achieve the end result. & I guess this applies to life as well. & I guess it's time I start believing in a religion, so at least I can have some picture of how the end might look. I think hz once asked me if I would choose to die peacefully or die with a terminal disease. She said she would choose dying with a terminal disease, because at least she has a rough estimate of the time she has left, so she would be able to cherish the time left so much better and do the things she liked and do everything for the people she loved. Her reasoning makes sense to me since not everyone actually lives each day to the fullest until they start to realise their time is going to be up.
Now I really start to see how life is really a journey.
me me maggi me;
9:06 AM